A Day in the Life of an Irish Water Employee

By Anonymous

I start my day at seven in the morning, one of these early risers Leo Varadkar was on about. Oh, Leo. The bed is easy to make, I just slid the lid back over the coffin.

Hygiene is important. A shower is a must, followed by brushing my teeth. I don’t use tap water. Do you know what fluoride can do to a person?

I travel to work in a chauffeur driven Mercedes.  It’s great. It gives me time to read the Daily Mail (UK version!) and listen to a few songs. I took Kaiser Chiefs off of shuffle. Can’t bloody stand I Predict A Riot after what happened poor Joany in Jobstown. RIP.

I don’t understand why more people don’t travel by chauffeur. The proles and their bloody buses. I was on a bus once, I think. It smelt of stale urine and cigarettes I recall. Not sure if that’s one of my memories or one the Daily Mail implanted.

The traffic isn’t too bad today. It is normally longer than a PPS number. Bloody proles and their traffic and protests. They love congregating and hate progress. Maybe it’s a side-effect of the fluoride.

When I arrive at HQ, I do a little rain dance, you know, just to make sure. My office is on the third floor past the pictures of Margaret Thatcher and Denis O’Brien. Don’t listen to the rumours, I don’t kiss these pictures. I put on the kettle to make some tea, or a boil water notice as we call it in HQ.

My phone has been lit up over this bloody Drogheda thing. Do they even wash themselves in Drogheda? It doesn’t smell like it. Anyway, isn’t that what the Boyne and the sea are there for?

Thank God the army have taken time out of their busy schedule winning wars to help us. I made a funny. The deaf bastards.

We get our hourly phone call from Alan Kelly demanding adoration. It is right to give him thanks and praise.

At about 1.00 pm, I go to the bathroom. I ask a consultant if I need a number 1 or number 2. Our toilet paper is the unused €100 vouchers we tried to give the public. We get a bonus if we wipe ourselves in an efficient and business like manner. Look at all the lovely water flush. Around and around it goes.

I don’t understand the criticism. People complained that it cost €188 to get the water meters fixed. We only gave the public a number they could relate to.

The media say we are not transparent enough. How do they explain the numerous data breaches and errors? We are as transparent as the water we own.

Anyway, I have to go. We have another laughter yoga class followed by a screening of The Waterboy. In the words of Solange Knowles, Self-love is really a foundation for everything, and however you practice or express that is so, so important.


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